


Grif and Simmons in How to Successfully and Safely Care For and Raise a Baby

by fairlyflutters



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, M/M, dumpster diving, surprisingly little actual baby raising, very little grif/simmons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-21
Updated: 2014-09-21
Packaged: 2018-02-18 05:00:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2336180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fairlyflutters/pseuds/fairlyflutters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>By a twist of fate, Grif and Simmons are assigned to be partners for a Health project. The assignment: take care for a fake baby for a week. What's the worst that could happen?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Grif and Simmons in How to Successfully and Safely Care For and Raise a Baby

**Author's Note:**

> When I first wrote this there was like no grimmons so I went back and tried to add a little bit in but it's not really here at all. Sorry.

Simmons could feel his GPA dropping every second he spent staring at the fake baby that lay on the table in front of him.

            “So, what do we do with it?” his partner, Grif, asked, poking it with his pencil. It started crying. Simmons snatched it up, awkwardly cradling it like their health teacher, Mr. DuFresne, had shown them to just moments before.

            “We’re supposed to take care of it, idiot. Not torment it.” Simmons snapped.

            “Alright, alright, calm down.”

            “Listen here, fucker. If my grade goes down because of you, I will hunt you down.”

            “Dude, you really need to calm down. It’s just a toy baby. What could possibly go wrong?” Simmons just stared at him, dread curling in his stomach. “What should we name it,” Grif added.

            “I don’t know. I’ve never named a baby. What do you think we should name it?” Simmons replied.

            “I don’t fucking know. How about Megatron?”

            “That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.” Simmons’ answered, putting his binder carefully into his backpack.

            “Do you have anything better in mind?” Grif demanded, shoving the papers relating to the assignment into the bottom of his backpack.

            And thus Megatron the baby was born.

            ---

            With health being their second period class, Simmons was stuck awkwardly carrying the baby around for the first half of the day. He made plans to switch off with Grif at lunch. During AP Calculus, he dropped the baby while reaching for his calculator and had to excuse himself from the class to calm down Megatron.

            When lunch finally rolled around, Simmons was dying to get rid of the baby and leave Grif with the responsibility of dealing with Megatron. As he entered the commons he first heard, rather than saw, the Grif siblings arguing.

            “But sis just watch the stupid baby for the rest of the day. I’ll fuckin’ pay you if I have to.” He heard Grif whining.

            “Fuck no,” his sister, Kaikaina, replied loudly. “I didn’t have two abortions for nothing!”

            “You _didn’t have_ two abortions!”

            “Not yet!”

            Simmons frowned and gritted his teeth together. Here he was, trying to make them pass, and already on the first day of the stupid assignment Grif was giving up. Oh no. Oh fuck no he was not going to let this happen. He walked through the crowd of people to reach the bickering siblings and slammed the baby right onto Grif’s lunch tray. Megatron started wailing, his shrieks drawing the attention of most of the students.

            “Dude what the fuck? I was eating that! And make this fucking thing stop!” Grif shouted, looking at Simmons.

            “No way, fuckface. This is yours now. You deal with it.” Simmons replied, storming away from his regular lunch table and seat by Grif to find a place as far away from the babies screams as possible.

            “Dude, what the fuck is up with your boyfriend?” Kaikaina asked.

            “No fucking clue.” Grif replied, rocking Megatron to get him to shut up.

\---

His frustration grew as the minutes ticked by and his texts were not returned. He had agreed to meet Grif in the commons after school but 15 minutes had passed and his best friend and, more importantly, health grade were nowhere to be seen.

            “Simmons!” a horrible scream reached his ears as Grif ran towards him, pushing through the crowds of people in the commons.

            “Grif, where the hell have you been? And where’s the baby?” Simmons demanded, looking at Grif’s baby-less arms.

            “I don’t know Simmons! That’s what I’ve been doing! Looking for it!”

            “Like hell you were, fatass. I can see the vending machine wrappers in your pocket!”

            “Alright fine, but the line gets so long and it’s been hours since I’ve eaten!”

            “Lunch was two hours ago, asshole. But more importantly, where the fuck is Megatron?”

            Grif looked down at his feet, shuffling uncomfortably under Simmon’s glare. “I don’t know.”

            Simmon’s face was beginning to turn the same shade of maroon as his sweater. “What do you mean you don’t know.”

            “Look I had it during lunch when you gave it to me and I remember getting up to throw away my tray, that you fucked up by the way, and holding the damn thing but then I don’t remember what I did with it afterwards. Um,” Grif hesitated. “It might be in the dumpster.”

            “You threw our baby into the trash.” Simmons stated, staring at Grif.

            “Well it sounds bad when you say it like that.”

            “Grif, I fucking hate you. And if we can’t find that baby I will fucking kill you. Now come on, you’re going to find our project.”

            And that was how Grif found himself waist deep in trash, digging through a dumpster.

            “This is fucking disgusting.” Grif complained for the fifteenth time in the past hour.

            “Really? I thought that you’d feel right at home.” Simmons snapped, looking up from his calculus homework.

            “Dumpster diving is _not_ my idea of a good time.”

            “That’s funny considering every time I enter your room I feel like I’m dumpster diving.”

            “Ha ha fuck you.” Grif grumbled, pushing aside another bag of garbage. “I seriously don’t think it’s in here dude.”

            Simmons was about to reply when a familiar voice with a thick southern accent said, “What are you boys doing out here?”

            “Sarge!” Simmons gasped, looking at his P.E. teacher. “Grif’s just looking for our baby.”

            “In the dumpster?” Sarge asked, eying Grif as though he was crazy.

            “Simmons I told you, it sounds bad when you say it like that! I’m looking for our stupid health project.” Grif grumbled, kicking at a bag.

            “Grif! What did I tell you about speaking poorly of your superiors! Only I can talk about how stupid assignments are! Now get back to work!” Sarge berated, throwing his empty plastic water bottle at Grif.

            “Ow!” Grif screeched, losing his balance and falling deeper into the dumpster. Muffled screams could be heard from the bottom of the dumpster as Grif struggled to get out. “Guys! I found Megatron!”

            “Really, how?” Simmons asked, looking at Grif.

            “Well I fell to the bottom of the dumpster and heard the crying and uh here it is.” Grif proclaimed, falling out of the dumpster holding a dirty baby doll.

            “I thought that was you. Now I’m disappointed.” Sarge grumbled.

            “Thanks, sir.” Grif said sarcastically. “Now Simmons here owes me dinner and a movie so we’ll be going.” He shoved Megatron into Simmons’ arms.

            “What, fuck no I don’t!” Simmons replied, picking up his stuff.

            “I just dumpster dived for you, it’s the least you could do.” Grif insisted.

            “Bye, Sarge!” Simmons called as he was dragged away.

            “God I hate that guy.” Grif muttered when they reached his car on the other side of the school.

            “Yeah well I don’t care. If you want to go somewhere, you’re going home and cleaning up. You smell like shit.”

            “And whose fault is that!” Grif demanded.

\--

            “Alright class, now how about Dick and Dexter tell us about their baby!” Mr. DuFresne said warmly, directing the classes attention to Grif and Simmons.

            “Well, uh, this was our baby Megatron.” Simmons began, pointing to the disfigured husk lying on the desk. It was missing an eye, covered in red paint, and, if you got close enough, you could hear quiet crying coming from its voice box.

            “Oh dear god what did you do to it?” Mr. DuFresne asked, shocked.

            “Well, he had a few accidents.” Simmons supplied.

            “He was thrown into a dumpster, left at an auto shop, dropped into a paint bucket, and used for football practice.” Grif added.

            “You boys do realize that I cannot pass you for this, right?” their teacher asked, looking at Simmons with concern.

            “Yes sir,” both boys said in unison.

\---------------------------RIP Megatron 2014-2014---------------------------------


End file.
